The day before or the day that I fly, I spend my mental energy pushing back the curling fingers of nerves that try to penetrate my peace. Our brains are amazing things — they can be reprogrammed, but they still are able to pull up past memories and feelings without warning. At church on Sunday the pastor, speaking on forgiveness, said, “We are told to forgive and forget, but that is impossible because we are human and our brains don’t work that way. A more accurate way to phrase it would be that we need to “forgive and forgive. And then forgive again.”
It’s the same thing with flying for me. Just cause I’m better doesn’t mean that getting on a plane is all easy, breezy, and fun. It’s a tiring job keeping my brain from wandering down dark paths, whispering warnings and doomsday proclamations like it used to do. It doesn’t help that for the last month here the news has been dominated by the plane that crash landed in SF. Excellent fodder for a brain in overdrive.
I’ll be fine. I am fine. And just as remembering that someone hurt me doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven them, remembering that flying used to make me insane (or rather, I was insane and flying brought out the worst of it) doesn’t mean that I’m sick again.
But to show you where my twisted mind goes, I’ll just say that right before I posted this, my brain thought,”How ironic if these were your last words.” Seriously?!?! Good grief brain. Get it together. Thank God for my Zoloft to keep things in check. I may be unable to keep from thinking stupid things, but at least I don’t have to feel the irrational panic that used to accompany those thoughts.
In the category of Not Helping, on the way to the airport dad asked, “Did they ever figure out what happened with that Korean airliner?” Hahahahaha. (Don’t worry, Dad. It was fine.)
Off to put myself in relaxed robot mode for the next 24 hours. See you on the other side of the world!
This is how she rolls
Why yes, that is a Louis Vuitton purse that the lady is carrying with her forehead.
We are back!