Month: October 2014
The Garden of Eden
7th inning stretch
I was on a roll with my Crete posts and then on Friday we were at lunch after church and I realized how sore I was from a workout the day before. Not totally surprising because I had taken 2 weeks off for vacation, but I didn’t expect to feel pains in every muscle in my body. An hour later after almost passing out in the mall (I went from thinking I was sore to realizing I was getting very sick in a span of about 5 minutes) I was home, in bed, dressed in sweats and wool socks and shivering under 4 layers of blankets. I slept all afternoon and by evening I was hungry and by midnight my fever had broken and I woke up the next morning as if I had never been sick. Who gets the flu for only 12 hours?!
The next day we went to the boys’ final basketball games and parties. I had no carry over symptoms from being sick and had slept tons the previous day and night, so I went too. Camille was extra whiny and clingy during the games . . . and I bet you can guess where this is going, huh? She fell around 1:30pm exactly 24 hours after I did. I picked her up out of her car seat when we arrived home and I could feel the heat on her cheeks. I was hoping she would kick it in the same amount of time that I did, but she was miserable all night and into today. She has a good hour where the Motrin is working for her and then varying degrees of unhappiness until it’s time for her medicine again.
I’m hoping the 3rd time is the charm because I came downstairs to check on Camille this morning (she made a 1/2 hearted attempt to join her brothers in watching the world series) and saw that Caleb’s cheeks looked really bright. Yep, fever number 3. He seems fine other than being upset because his fever is messing up his school holiday play plans, but he’s consoling himself with a movie day.
Anna vs Elsa, a tale of two costumes
I had a revelation in the shower this morning, thinking about Halloween costumes. Camille wants to be Elsa. Every little girl wants to be Elsa. I watched the movie Frozen and fell in love with Anna, the casual, fumbling, good natured sister who I think of as the center and heart of the movie, so it caught me by surprise when all the little girls fell for Elsa. (because she has powers, Mom!)
I was wondering if it was something about getting older and becoming more comfortable in my own skin that made me feel an affinity for Anna. Well meaning, but mixing up words, not needing to be perfect, falling hard for something and then realizing she was completely wrong . . . she’s human. Maybe in my “maturity” I was picking up on qualities that are long lasting and preferring them over fleeting beauty and the ability to make a statement with the swish of a cape. And then a flash of insight: I used to be Elsa.
I don’t know why it took me almost a year to put it together, but that anxious little blonde girl with a braid was me, without the special powers. I was excellent at conceal, don’t feel, put a good face on the outside and pretend even when I didn’t know what I was doing. Feelings were weakness because they couldn’t be controlled. I guess the same way Elsa kept her gloves on and kept her distance from people because she didn’t want to hurt them is what I did in relationships — I didn’t get the nickname Ice Queen for nothing. (Seriously, how embarrassing!) My thinking was if I didn’t date anyone or let anyone know how I felt about them, then I’d never hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone and that safety was totally worth it.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Yep, life as a patstor’s daughter. Totally sums that up. I don’t have any regrets or think there’s anything anyone could have done to change it, that’s just how I was. I had all these expectations for myself — I couldn’t tell you where they came from, a bunch of innate first born neuroses most likely.
And then I realized perfection could never be achieved and maintained. I broke and Let It Go. My mountaintop ballad would have included this verse:
It’s funny how some medicine
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!
I’ve changed so much since then, I can’t believe I identified so completely with Anna and forgot all those years as Elsa. That’s good. I guess I’m never going back, the past is in the past. (Now I’m just cracking myself up.) I’m happy I can relate to the relaxed and imperfect character. Not that long ago I would have seen many of those qualities as faults and cheered on the Ice Queen in her castle all alone.
BUT . . . You’ll never see me cry. I still hate crying. I rarely do. I guess I haven’t left Elsa entirely behind. As for this Halloween, Camille is going as a butterfly and I’m going dressed as Camille. I see a lot of myself in her, but I admire her “anything goes” Anna spirit. I hope in time she can figure out how to be the best of both.