I had a revelation in the shower this morning, thinking about Halloween costumes. Camille wants to be Elsa. Every little girl wants to be Elsa. I watched the movie Frozen and fell in love with Anna, the casual, fumbling, good natured sister who I think of as the center and heart of the movie, so it caught me by surprise when all the little girls fell for Elsa. (because she has powers, Mom!)
I was wondering if it was something about getting older and becoming more comfortable in my own skin that made me feel an affinity for Anna. Well meaning, but mixing up words, not needing to be perfect, falling hard for something and then realizing she was completely wrong . . . she’s human. Maybe in my “maturity” I was picking up on qualities that are long lasting and preferring them over fleeting beauty and the ability to make a statement with the swish of a cape. And then a flash of insight: I used to be Elsa.
I don’t know why it took me almost a year to put it together, but that anxious little blonde girl with a braid was me, without the special powers. I was excellent at conceal, don’t feel, put a good face on the outside and pretend even when I didn’t know what I was doing. Feelings were weakness because they couldn’t be controlled. I guess the same way Elsa kept her gloves on and kept her distance from people because she didn’t want to hurt them is what I did in relationships — I didn’t get the nickname Ice Queen for nothing. (Seriously, how embarrassing!) My thinking was if I didn’t date anyone or let anyone know how I felt about them, then I’d never hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone and that safety was totally worth it.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Yep, life as a patstor’s daughter. Totally sums that up. I don’t have any regrets or think there’s anything anyone could have done to change it, that’s just how I was. I had all these expectations for myself — I couldn’t tell you where they came from, a bunch of innate first born neuroses most likely.
And then I realized perfection could never be achieved and maintained. I broke and Let It Go. My mountaintop ballad would have included this verse:
It’s funny how some medicine
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!
I’ve changed so much since then, I can’t believe I identified so completely with Anna and forgot all those years as Elsa. That’s good. I guess I’m never going back, the past is in the past. (Now I’m just cracking myself up.) I’m happy I can relate to the relaxed and imperfect character. Not that long ago I would have seen many of those qualities as faults and cheered on the Ice Queen in her castle all alone.
BUT . . . You’ll never see me cry. I still hate crying. I rarely do. I guess I haven’t left Elsa entirely behind. As for this Halloween, Camille is going as a butterfly and I’m going dressed as Camille. I see a lot of myself in her, but I admire her “anything goes” Anna spirit. I hope in time she can figure out how to be the best of both.
