It’s the most wonderful time of the year

New Year’s, new beginnings, new possibilities. A blank slate. I used to get nostalgic on New Year’s Eve and always try to imagine where I would be a year from that moment. Over time I gave up on that impossibility and now I just sit back and enjoy the ride on the roller coaster. Last year we were in Istanbul, walking misty streets, waiting for the fireworks to explode on the rooftops all around us. This year I’m going to curl up on my couch with my in-progress sweater and hopefully knit past the shoulders to the part where I divide for the sleeves. Two completely different ways to celebrate, but equally sweet.

last year

this year — just as good, right? 

It’s easy for me to be content when I’m warm, well fed, have healthy kids, and an easy life. When there are travels on the near horizon and a new career for Josh on the far one. A year from now we’ll be waiting to hear where our last move will be with the Marine Corps. And maybe we’ll be traveling. One year on, one year off . . . our last Christmas vacation in Bahrain. A trip to New Zealand is on everyone’s wish list (except for the part where it takes so long to get there). We’ll see what ends up coming together. Maybe I’ll finally make it to Italy.

We have lots of travel on the agenda for 2015 — so far Oman and Paris for me, Josh will also get to a few other countries for work, and Calvin is practically living in Germany this spring (he’s there now and has trips scheduled for the end of January and the end of February with school). We’re hoping for a return trip to Crete this fall and are considering a location in Europe for a summer trip instead of traveling all the way back to the US in June or July. Since Josh only has 2 weeks, 20 to 24 hours of transit on each end are making us reconsider our California trip. We love you all, but can’t help feeling that our time in this region is getting short and don’t want to miss any possibilities to show our kids the world.

Calvin is spending this week at Winter Camp in Austria with his youth group. (This kid has more stamps in his passport than I do!) They flew in to Munich and took the train to Innsbruck. They are electronics-free at camp so I know that he arrived to snow, but beyond that, no news is great news. 

The rest of the kids have been playing games, rotating between chess and as much electronics as I’ll allow. Carter is packing for his trip to India. He and Josh leave in 2 days to assist with work at an orphanage outside of Chennai. He’s nervous about flying home by himself (Josh is leaving early to return to work), but that kid has great street smarts. As long as no reading is required, he’ll be fine.  
We’ve used Josh’s days off to our advantage — sleeping in, eating great food (usually that Josh has cooked) like smoked ribs and grilled lamb, roasted vegetables with feta and dessert crepes (inspired by our upcoming trip to Paris). Lucky me!
We’ve been to the souk and wandered around, 

found an authentic old Arab door just like the one that lives in our living room,
and tracked down this beautiful mosaic mosque. 
Next week the kids go back to school (except for Carter who might be more excited about missing school than India itself) and the daily crush begins again. I was driving around this vacation thinking how nice it would be if my kids didn’t go to school and I didn’t have to homeschool them either. My vote is for summer vacation all the time (or unschooling. I could totally get behind that). It’s been a good break and a great way to start 2015!

Eating Crow

**The information contained in this blog post may or may not be 100% accurate. It’s what I understand to be true at the moment, but I’ll hopefully continue to learn as I go along. 

I have a new hobby/passion/addiction/whatever you want to call it. I’ve been fighting it for a while, but I’m sunk. I love carpets. I love carpet shopping. I love learning about the different styles, patterns, fibers, dyes, regions, identification . . . everything but the prices. Good grief, handmade carpets are expensive!

I used to be someone who rolled their eyes (internally, no need to be rude) when someone gushed over an “old tabreez that is to die for!” Um, it’s a piece of material that you lay on the floor. Why pay a bunch of money for something that people are going to walk on? Ridiculous. Remember me and the “Who wants an old carpet?! Gross!” story from the souk? I currently have one old carpet that I’m very attached to (and would be thrilled to acquire a few more). Hey, they don’t make them like they used to!

This one is a Beljik, from Afganistan. Made of merino wool (soft and silky feeling). Beljiks are always these deep reds, blacks and navy blues. This photo doesn’t do the rug justice. I think the LED lights from the Christmas tree are washing it out, making the border look hazy and muted. 

This one shows how the white border of the design pops against the red background. The reason the design is so sharp is because there are over 400 knots/square inch of carpet. Yes, they are expensive, but when you think that it takes over a year to make one of these, it works out to pennies/knot. 

I love being able to go into a carpet shop and correctly identify carpets. “This one is beljik, right?” The deep reds and blues are a big tipoff that they are from Afghanistan, but the sharpness of the pattern (or not), the feel of the wool, and the type of fringe help define a Beljik from its lesser quality brothers and sisters. There’s nothing wrong with a lesser quality handmade carpet — you just want to make sure you’re not paying a premium price for something that isn’t. 
I prefer wool on wool carpets or silk on silk (don’t have any of those yet). They make wool or silk on cotton (meaning the wool of the carpet is woven onto a cotton base), but the cotton warp threads can cut into the wool as the carpet is walked on and the carpet won’t hold up as well over time. Mixed fiber rugs are also more difficult to clean. (An important consideration here!)

This is an inexpensive wool/wool handmade carpet called a Kazak. (When I say inexpensive, this one was around $200). These are historically Armenian and come from the region around Azerbaijan (one of the many countries that didn’t exist when I was in High School).  These are pretty easily identified by the lighter colored blues along with the cream, red and navy and the less defined patterns than the Beljiks. I love the design of this rug. Notice how my taste trends toward reds and blues and geometric shapes? These kinds of designs are called “tribals,” as opposed to “city carpets,” which are more realistic in pattern with flowers, smooth lines and less boxy shapes. 
Example of a city carpet — not mine (pretty, but not my style). This is usually what people visualize when they hear the term “Persian carpet.”

You can see the much larger individual knots. Bigger knots aren’t bad, it just naturally creates a less detailed and less labor intensive piece. 

This carpet was our gateway drug. We went to a rug flop saying we weren’t going to spend more than $220 on a rug and came home with this little guy. Now we’re looking at rugs that are 220 BD and exclaiming, “That’s a bargain!”

This rug is my “old one” (60ish years — still a baby in rug years) and it’s from Iran. It was a steal of a deal and I didn’t care what it was called when I heard the price. Now that I’ve made you curious, I’ll tell you — it was under $650 for a 9×12 foot rug. For comparison’s sake, a commercially made Pottery Barn rug of similar size would cost at least twice as much. See what I mean about it being a steal?

Yes, more reds and blues. Still a tribal, but softer shapes. I’d love to know the history and region of this rug because it’s so different than the styles that are currently being made. It’s nice that this one doesn’t have a center medallion because it’s easy to put a table on top of it without blocking the design or worrying about centering the table evenly over the most decorative part. 

Writing this blog post made me curious, so I looked at the underside of the carpet at the label. In addition to Made in Iran, the label says “saroogh,” which according to Google is a city in Iran that is known for producing carpets in the late 19th century in response to the huge demand for Persian carpets from Europe and North America. It’s possible that the design of ours is known as an “American Sarouk” because they created these carpets with the American design esthetic in mind.

Everyone needs a runner, right? We don’t need one in our current house, but I’m thinking ahead. This rug is called a Chobi (choo-bee). It is valued because it is made from hand spun wool (usually with only a drop spindle) and dyed using hand gathered natural dyes. They are the most labor intensive to make because of all the pre-weaving work. This style is really popular right now because the colors are more muted and antique looking. Chobi’s are generally designed with flowers and swirls — they are not tribal. 

It looks like what’s hot at Pottery Barn, doesn’t it?

And our latest find — a Qashqai. This carpet comes from Iran, woven by a nomadic tribal group. This brightly colored tribal is identified by its detail and the inclusion of birds and other animals. 

One of the things I love about handwoven carpets is the way it looks different from different angles. There is always a dark side and a light side. This is the dark side of this carpet. The red is burgundy, the navy almost looks black and the many medallions that dot the body of the carpet are more subdued. 

10 seconds later, viewed from the other side. There really is a huge difference depending on how you look at it. The red is brighter, almost brick colored, the medallions pop, and each little design comes to life. 

Studying all the details of this piece makes me happy — imagining the skill and handiwork it required to create leaves me in awe. 

This was Josh’s birthday present — an unintended carpet purchase. We went on a shopping trip to help a few friends choose carpets (it’s always nice to have another set of eyes) and this is one of the many that they pulled from the stacks. It wasn’t her style, but Josh was drawn to it immediately. I wasn’t sure about all the different colors together, but the more I look at it, the deeper I fall in love. It’s almost like a patchwork quilt, where you see something new every time you look at it. 
The sign of a quality handmade carpet? The back is just as beautiful as the front. 
Between our travels and our carpet buying adventures, we may come back from the Middle East a lot poorer in the wallet, but richer in experience. And carpets can always double as wall art or bedcovers, right? 

Stage Fright

After all the accolades my previous post received, I was thinking maybe I should sign off for good, end on a high note, and quit while the getting is good. How do I follow that act? Funny enough, as I was writing about my Christmas Day 10 years ago, it didn’t feel like anything special. I mean, I enjoyed the walk down memory lane (mostly because I’m not in that place anymore), but I didn’t think it was earth shattering or groundbreaking. I’ve written about my need for meds many times before — though based on the number of messages and replies I received from people, this post clearly landed in a place people could relate to. Or they know me in this different life and couldn’t imagine that I hadn’t always been this way.

Maybe I spelled it out in a way that people finally understood how cuckoo I really was. I guess you can say you need an SSRI to function normally, but until you admit that you called your husband and begged him to turn around and come home when he was on the way to take your child to an appointment with a surgical specialist people can’t imagine you were actually that sick. Yeah, I really did that. Josh told me I was being ridiculous, hung up, and kept driving. Meanwhile, I tried not to hyperventilate as I counted down the minutes it would take for him to drive to Loma Linda (90), account for how long the appointment should take, and then home again. I had decided against going to the appointment with them because I couldn’t travel that far from the house without panicking, but after he left I started second guessing my choice. I should write a post some day about all the hoops I jumped through to keep from feeling anxious. It would sound truly crazy to someone who doesn’t struggle with anxiety. (Like taking a 2 day Amtrak train trip by myself to avoid a 3.5 hour flight. Yep. For reals.)

I’m so glad that my post did get such a positive response, but it still surprises me and feels unreal. It’s almost miraculous that stringing a few letters together can have so much meaning. I guess that’s why I like writing. It’s an art form that uses letters to paint pictures. A few are the focal point of the gallery, some are frame worthy, and others are the type to be hung on my mom’s refrigerator door. Creating a pile of posts that are only good enough to hang on a refrigerator is all part of practicing my art form. As long as I keep writing, I’m bound to produce a few gems every now and then . . . hopefully.

In addition to not knowing what to post next, I’ve been busy with Christmas this week. Unlike last year, when we spent Christmas day hiking in the snow in Cappacocia, Turkey, this year wasn’t exotic at all. We shared a Christmas Eve dinner with friends and then went to church for a carol service. In between each song, people from the congregation read passages from the Bible relating to Christmas (both prophecy and the Nativity story), but they each read them in their native languages. French, Afrikaans, Hindi, Tagalog, a language from an African nation, etc. (OK, so maybe that was a bit exotic). It was a reminder that we are privileged to worship God with Christians from all over the world.

Christmas Day we slept in, the kids opened a few presents that family had sent and we went to base for Christmas dinner (no cooking required!) While there I grabbed a few things to put in the kids’ stockings (I’m a failure at all the regular Christmas traditions. Can you imagine if I had to move an Elf every night?!) that I hadn’t filled yet and then we went and had a potluck dinner with another group of friends. I’m thankful that we are part of a great community of friends from church, our Home Group, and base. We are content and at peace which is the best gift we could possibly ask for.

But they were also thrilled with fuzzy pjs

and Frozen themed books

This coming week Josh has (a much needed) vacation and I predict lots of sleeping in and lounging around the house. Or maybe that’s just my idea of a great vacation . . .

A little Christmas cheer

10 years ago I was sitting at my sister’s kitchen table, head in hands, heart pounding, dreading the drive home. It was only 2 and a half hours from Orange County back to 29 Palms, but to my mind, the distance felt impossible. We’d all been having breakfast together and the conversation was full of “Guess what? Mental illness runs in our family!” stories, which sounds like the worst Christmas ever (it was), but the knowledge that I came from a line of loonies was mildly comforting. The reassuring part was realizing that several people in my family history who I thought were normal (relatively), actually did have mental issues in their past, which meant there was hope for me. Too bad it took me losing my mind to hear about them losing theirs. 

I remember the tears running down my face as my parents guided me to the front seat of the car the way executioners guide a prisoner to the electric chair. I kept repeating “I can’t do this” and Josh snapped, “All you have to do is sit there!” God bless him, I would have left my sorry behind sitting on the curb. I was so wrapped up in my own head at the time; I’m sure he’s the one that got our three little boys in the car (5, 3 and 5 months), loaded all the luggage, and then had to deal with a crazy wife who begged him to pull over so she could throw up on the side of the road when she felt the car closing in on her. 
Looking back, I’m surprised no one took me to a mental hospital. I would have fought them tooth and nail, like an addict resisting rehab, but I needed an intervention. That Christmas trip revealed the rapidly growing, gaping holes in my psyche that I’d refused to face over the past 6 months. Sure, most people don’t call their husband at work and beg him to come home because they are scared of being alone with their children and most people don’t construct exit strategies in their heads as they decide whether they can make it to the grocery store without having a panic attack (I couldn’t), and most people don’t compulsively check their pulse all day long looking for flutters or skipped heartbeats that are a sure sign of impending bodily doom. But I was still OK . . . sort of. Right? Even though I knew I wasn’t, the alternative (either medication or mental hospital) was worse.  
So why this depressing topic on what is supposed to be the Merriest of days? Because this morning, this story, was the beginning of my end. My rock bottom, my wave the white flag moment, my emperor without his clothes. When I couldn’t enjoy a family Christmas party without escaping to a back bedroom to breathe deeply, when I couldn’t sit in the front seat of a car as a passenger and all I desperately wanted was to be home, when I saw a Christmas card that someone sent my sister and I wistfully said I envied them because they were smiling, when I hid in the bathtub of our crappy hotel room because it was a small and warm space and everywhere else felt too big and scary . . . that was it. I was done. Broken. Rock bottom. The end. 
I don’t remember exactly when he said it, but one of the most hurtful (but best) things Josh ever said to me was “Robin, you are an anchor dragging our family down. I don’t know how much longer I can hold us up.” That Christmas showed me the weight of my anchor. I felt its heaviness and felt it dragging me under the surface, and as I was choking and gasping for breath, the fear of living with it finally outweighed the fear of what it would take to get rid of it. 
I made it home (an ugly trip made a little easier by Christmas Day (zero) traffic) and the next morning, I called the hospital and made an appointment for ASAP. The next several months weren’t pretty, but I was headed in the right direction. I found myself at the bottom of a huge hole and it took about a year to claw my way out. This March I will celebrate my 10th Zoloft birthday (it seems like I need to create an AA type of chip for that occasion!) and I will bask in the irony that the thing I was most afraid of (medication for my brain) was an integral part in saving me. 
So, Merry Christmas! Today I will enjoy my time at home alone with the kids and be thankful when Josh comes home from work because I’m happy he’s here to start the grill and not because I’m afraid of myself. I will drive to pick up a few things from the store and smile that I can enjoy that freedom. I might take a bath to hide from the chaos of a busy week and not because I’m hiding from my life. But most of all, I will be the one smiling in photos because I have Joy and Peace. Incredibly thankful to have been in dark places and to be enjoying the light. 

Happy Holidays

This is our third Christmas in Bahrain and every year the irony deepens. The Muslim country outside the base is much more accepting of our Christian holiday than the bureaucracy inside the gates. The base had a very large tree and Santa came, but all the signage was for a “Tree Lighting Ceremony” and “Night of extraordinary lights,” nothing about Christmas. Meanwhile, right outside the gate, large posters advertised “Christmas Tree lighting” and “Christmas Dinner” right next to the posters of the King, Prime Minister and Crown Prince.

And there’s our landlord, who wishes Josh a “Merry Christmas” when he sees him. And the florist with the large Merry Christmas sign hanging outside the store. And the Christmas trees in the mall, and carols playing over the sound system (not Rudolph, think Joy to the World and other religious songs).

The country is all decorated for National Day (December 16th) so the red and white lights everywhere feel very Christmassy. 

And the kicker? While at the grocery store I saw this Christmas display next to the Christmas trees and lights for sale.  

Yes, that’s Jesus on the cross (the box is labeled Christmas Jesus) with a birthday hat. Mind blown. 

So we’re all getting into the spirit of Christmas. Camille has a mini tree next to her bed (bought from the   store up the street) and our church went Christmas caroling in the mall. They sang songs in English and then an Arabic speaking group sang them in Arabic. Other friends arranged for a church group to go caroling in a local grocery store and when they said, “You know we’ll be singing songs about Jesus, right?” the manager responded, “Yes! We love Jesus!”
In America where we say we celebrate freedom of religion, we could learn a few lessons from these Muslims. If you’re a Christian stop being offended when someone says “Happy Holidays” and take it as the cheerful greeting that is intended. It means happy HOLY day and Christmas is a holy day, so no big deal. It also could include Thanksgiving, New Year’s, St. Lucia Day, St. Nicholas day, my birthday, Hanukah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, Boxing Day and any other celebrations that are packed into the 6 week period between Thanksgiving and the New Year. Sometimes I don’t want to pick just one so I say Happy Holidays to cover the entire lovely season!
If you’re not a Christian, don’t be offended when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas. I don’t know a single person who uses the greeting “Merry Christmas” as a weapon. If the Muslim community in Bahrain can handle it, I’m sure you can too. 
Also, Xmas? That’s not taking Christ out of Christmas. X is the Greek letter that stands for Christ so it’s just a shorthand way of writing it. It was done that way for hundreds of years until someone decided to be offended by it and now it has become a thing to be offended by. If we could live with less cynicism and more grace for those around us, we would all be better off. 

It may be 90 degrees here and I’m getting sunburned during a morning of flag football, but Christmas is coming! My real live tree! Someone/some organization donated live trees to overseas service members. They arrived in the mail and we were lucky enough to get one. 

My car smelled amazing!

Go big or go home! It’s got to be 10 feet tall. Josh said since our living room is big enough, why not?
So Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Joyful Kwanzaa, Peaceful Arba’een, Light-filled Hanukah and 
Joy to the world!