Month: February 2017

I wrote this a month ago, but have been too busy to edit and post it until now. Life is good, just different. 

I’ve been working for 4 weeks now and it has been life changing. No more lazy afternoons knitting or trolling the internet for entertainment news. No more Botched marathons while I write and edit and rewrite. No more accidental naps from crawling under my down comforter to escape the chill of the air conditioning. No more food in the house because I never have time to go to the grocery store beyond a quick run in/run out on my way home from the gym or from work. Yep, it’s a new era. 

I’ve decided my job makes the days fly by, but I’m not any more fulfilled. I thought that’s what was supposed to happen when I went back to work. Isn’t that part of the push that gets women back into the workforce as soon as their youngest child is in school? Isn’t there supposed to be some sort of payoff to being a “working woman?” (said totally tongue in cheek.) 

I’m saying that as someone who likes and enjoys her job. It’s totally fun. I get to see my kids, chat with other kids and staff members, and make new friendships and connections. But I don’t feel any more value as a human or as a productive member of society. In fact, I’m fighting against feeling less important than when I was unemployed. 

It might sound strange, but as long as I was voluntarily a “just a mom,” no one could judge me (accurately). For all they knew, I could be a rocket scientist or a doctor, or hiding any number of important sounding, education heavy degrees underneath my SuperMom cape. The unknown potential was there, but I was choosing to take care of my kids instead. 

And as a bonus, in the Mom world having 4 kids meant that I was at the top of the hierarchy when it came to status and appreciation. I got all sorts of credit for:

-having 3 boys

-having multiple kids close in age

-having a husband who deployed (earning me SoloMom bonus points and MilitaryAppreciation points!)

-having another baby after a big gap (you started all over again?! God bless you!)

-homeschooling (back when we did that)

-moving internationally with kids

-moving often with kids

I had collected as many Level 4Kid points as I could get without adding some foster/adoptive or special needs kids to the mix (those mamas earn millions of well deserved bonus points). 

As “just a mom,” I was swimming in credibility for doing nothing more than existing in my normal life. No need to feel insecure or inferior because I knew I was doing a difficult, exclusive job and doing it well. But now that I have a “real” job? I’m not all that important at all. Around me people are teaching higher level English and Language classes, brokering technology deals, going to conferences and working on the cutting edge of their field while here I am wrapping up cables, talking to kids, and sorting books. 

As I’m coiling headphone cords and charging computers the whisper in my head is, “anyone could do this job” and they could. There’s nothing special about what I do. Do you know the alphabet? Then you can find and shelve books. Can you type names into a computer and use a handheld scanner? Then you could do what I do all afternoon long. I have to fight against the temptation to measure my value based on the difficulty of the task. 

The way I am fighting back is to think about my job as something I enjoy doing that I’m lucky enough to get paid for. I remind myself that I wasn’t looking for a job or looking for status. And as I serve these kids all afternoon, it’s also a ministry. 

Ironically, I get to “be a mom” to all the kids who come by my desk — your computer is running out of battery? “Here’s a charger for you.” You can’t figure out how to connect to the printer? “Just send it to my email address and I’ll print it for you. Do you want it in black and white or color?” You can’t find a book? Let me help you locate it, reserve it for you, or find a different book that you’ll like.

I get to tell students how much I love seeing them play soccer or congratulations on winning a medal in wrestling, how confident they looked on camera doing the interview for the weekly video announcement, or even encourage them when a particular test or assignment is coming up. This part of my job has gotten easier and better with time as I’m learning who the students are and what is unique about them. One kid always comes in around the same time every day. He has an older computer and it doesn’t have enough juice to get through the day. I get to send him off with a smile and encouragement that the school day is almost over. I know another kid always wants a charger with an extension cord because he doesn’t sit near an outlet in his classroom and needs the cord to stretch across the room. I’m learning which Khalids are with an ‘i’ and which Khaleds are with an ‘e’ and I’m learning my Yousefs and Yousufs. When I realized I could take my SuperMom status and apply it to my job it all started to click. Sure, I could think of my my day as one menial task after another, but when you’re a mom, you do those things out of love. (Is anything more menial than wiping noses and behinds?) As I get to know and love these kids, it’s just like being a mom to many. 

I know that my worth is not determined by my job. And thank God it’s not! Because if I was looking for validation in my job title (Executive Assistant) or my paycheck (small), then I could be pretty depressed. But even if the pay is small, the rewards are great. The best part of my job is getting to Mom my own kids. They stop by my desk often because I keep candy in my drawer which I dole out ever time they come to say, “Hi.” I’m training them with positive reinforcement the same way the Sea World trainers teach dolphins. It’s been very effective. I brought Calvin a coffee the other day when he was feeling down and another day he stopped by at the beginning of his lunch break to see if I wanted anything from the Kiosk (sandwich line). Aw, good times. I will miss that next year after he graduates. Time to start training his younger brothers to step in to that role. 

It’s 11:30 so I’m off to work. SuperMom to the rescue. Solving all literary and technical problems with a smile. I miss writing, but this is where I’m meant to be for a while.