war wounds and battle scars

I’m back at the gym, doing my thing and getting bumped around. This bruise is from a rogue kettlebell I was lifting over my head that banged against my ulna (that anatomy class is still paying off, right Carrie?). Twice. It only hurts when I poke it, so of course I poke it all day long to see if it still hurts.I don’t mind the bruises as they are proof that I’ve worked hard and I’m getting stronger (or at least not getting weaker). I’m the same way with my mental scars — unseen by others, but I still feel the marks and the places where I’ve healed and view them as signs that I’m better and stronger than I was before.

My girlie is going to have her own scars and it drives me crazy (figuratively, not literally, thankfully) to see her struggling and not be able to fix it or change her brain. She’s currently in an anxiety cycle that started when we returned from Christmas break. Tears every morning about not wanting to go to school (she likes school, she’s just nervous before it begins every day), complaints that her stomach hurts, that she’s tired, that she misses her brother, that she’s upset about her uncle dying — probably all true, but from experience and practice I know that something is misfiring in her brain.She loves to swim, but she’s nervous about after school swim practice every. single. time. I’ve tried catering to her fears, ignoring them, bribing her with treats/toys for putting on a brave face, experimented with encouraging her to suppress her tears or express them . . . it’s all the same.By the end of the session, she’s perfectly fine and all smiles. Even eager to be first in line to jump in the pool. But we’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be Groundhog Day all over again . . .

I’ve always tried to be honest with my kids and share as many details as I know about our future, which at times are very few, but I can tell a good chunk of her anxiety stems from our uncertainty about next year. So, in a moment of desperation, I told her that we’ll be living in Abu Dhabi next year. I figure it’s 98% true since I’m 100% sure that Josh will be able to find a job here and the only question is whether the salary offer will be enough to cover housing and school for 3 kids. I’ve already told the school that I’ll continue working in the library next year, inshallah, inshallah. The instant I said it I saw relief wash over her face and I could see the weight fall off of her shoulders, but a 1/2 second later, because she knows how our life works, she asked, “Is it for sure, for sure?” I told her it was mostly for sure and we’ll just pray that it becomes for sure soon.

That seems to have helped a bit. I’m praying that she will be able to live in the present and not wrestle with the “what if’s?” of the future. Our sanity depends on it.