This morning I shared at our women’s fellowship meeting as part of a baby shower for one of the pastor’s wives. I’m putting it on my blog because I usually write things and they disappear into the black hole of my computer hard drive, never to be seen again. Back in the 29 Palms days I wrote a parenting column for our church newsletter. I would love to reread those today to see what wise words of wisdom I have for myself, but I have no clue where they are. So I’m putting this on the internet because supposedly once something is put on the web, it’s there forever. We’ll see.
This is the written version that I spoke from (using it as notes) so it’s pretty close to what I ended up saying:
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One of the traps that is easy to fall into as moms (and as women) is comparing ourselves to others: Am I doing a good job? I’m not as good of a mom as Sara. She has 5 kids and they’re always so well behaved. I should be more like her.
And BKs baby — in the creche she plays nicely with all the other little kids and smiles at everyone. My baby frowns and steals toys and food from everyone. What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me?
One of the things I’ve realized after having several children is so much of who they are is a result of the way God made them and not how good or bad of a mother I am.
I’ve learned that my job as a mom is to help my children discover the ways God has gifted them, encourage them to use those gifts to serve him, and to figure out how to turn their weaknesses into strengths.
For example, my oldest son is cautious, careful, and a perfectionist. He was a dream to parent as a toddler. We’d go to the park and I could sit back and relax and read a book because I knew he would never move out of my sight and he wouldn’t climb any higher than he could handle on his own. The perfect child, right?
Not exactly. Unfortunately for him, our military life takes us to many new places and adds lots of uncertainty to our lives. Ask me how much I loved his cautious, careful personality when he was holding onto my leg and crying every week for the first 2 months at a new church. At that moment I was praising my middle child — the fearless, impulsive one who would say, “See ya mom!” while marching off into the unknown without a second thought.
Of course, taking that second child to the park was a nightmare as I had to shadow him around the playground because taking my eyes off of him meant that he was either going to disappear or get into trouble. Different children, different personalities, different gifts.
Just as it’s not fair or healthy to compare my children to each other, I shouldn’t compare myself to other mothers. God gave me these particular children for a reason and I am confident that he can even use my weaknesses to prepare my children for the future he has planned for them.
As an example, when I was growing up, my mom had a lot of guilt because by the time I was in kindergarten she had 3 younger babies at home. She said she couldn’t care for me the way she thought she should because she was tired and overwhelmed.
I remember getting myself up for school, getting dressed, feeding myself breakfast and then waking my mom up to say goodbye before walking myself to school. I was 6 years old.
For years my mom lamented, “I’m sorry Robin. You had to grow up so fast. You never got to be a little kid.” It was only once I was the mother of 3 little boys 5 and under, with a husband who was deployed that I fully understood her regret. I could not be everything they needed. All I could do was pray that God would cover over my mistakes and fill in where I was lacking.
And then I had a flash of insight and I called my mom. “Mom! Isn’t it wonderful how God knew when I was little that I would grow up and marry a Marine who would be gone for months at a time. That I’d be living a life where my husband isn’t around to take care of me or baby me? God knew that I needed to learn to be self sufficient and independent. He prepared me perfectly for where he has me today!”
God is good. He has a plan for your son and will use you to accomplish it — he can even use those things that you’re sure won’t win you the award of “Mother of the Year.” I hope knowing that gives you peace and confidence as you take on this new role of “Mom.”
Isaiah 26:12
Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished, you have done for us.